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Monday, January 3, 2011

Unsolicited Advice for Lindsay's 2011

Dear Lindsay,

Within the next 24 hours, you're free to leave rehab and to live your own life once more. Since this coincides brilliantly with the new year makeover madness the rest of us are feeling, please, please, please resolve to make good decisions

(Yes, cooking dinner with friends is fun and good for you! Good choice!)

Now I know this is asking a lot and you're only one woman but I think you'll understand. You were and still are a really good actress, probably the best of your generation, especially in comedy

(Using new media to focus attention back on comedic abilities? GOOD idea!)

And if this US Weekly nonsense parade has proven anything, it's that you have charisma and allure and a certain star appeal to make us follow your every move

(It's lonely at the top. Way to remind people you are a top, top, top Mega-star. 
Good choice!)

So kick off those years of being more famous for daddy issues, leggings and drug dependency and return all that energy to your professional craft. You're a star, honey, and that's a rare trait: use it! Yes it will be a lot of hard work, but so is propping yourself up with uppers and pulling yourself down with downers. Just look at Judy Garland: she was exhausted! It's not easy being a drug fiend! It's not easy being a return player either, but do it. Comeback!  

(A star is born... but first she needs a nap!)

Here's a helpful "how to" curated from other rough patch stars: 

ditch those no good Jaid Barrymore parents of yours, move into a house in Idaho and sleep for five months straight before attending the Lee Strasberg Institute to increase your innate skills. Lay low in the city while fine tuning your craft, going out only for rare appearances at events for things like "books for children with body dysmorphic disorder"

("Oh I haven't been in hiding. I'm just very selective about my projects now and in the interim have been volunteering reading "Horton Hears a Who" to the underprivileged)

And for God's sake, leave your face alone. Let it settle back into its real shape. No more plumpers and fillers and icky "Rock of Love" looks

(Voguing in the middle of the day is a good idea. Exercise will keep your 
mind and body tight!)

Get it together, make big splashy comeback and remind people why you are an ACTRESS, not "troubled"

I believe in you! 

With much love and best wishes for 2011,

It Can't All Be Dior

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I'm a fashion writer who writes for Bluefly, EDGE Media, VIRAL Fashion, etc. I use "It Can't All Be Dior" as a safe release for my love of coats, cats and cake. Phew!