Just When I Was Ready to Write this Season of Top Model Off

Tyra ropes me back in with this preview of next week's episode


               


That girl went mad! And she were real not feeling Kelly Cutrone. Jeepers!

Top Model Lips: Most Ridic Ever?

Get this girl some Smith's Rosebud Salve, STAT! 

Let us conference: over the far too many years I've been a Top Model addict, catching each season live and then ad nasueum in life suck after life suck marathons, I've witnessed a lot of crazy ish. Tyra has tortured her "hopefuls" with carrying live roaches and fire, head shaves and walking on water (Tyra is the Jesus of the CW set!) but with all this expertise under my belt these country of origin temporary lip tattoos that closed out the British vs Americans season premiere this week still had me reaching for the "huh?"

Violent lips? Yeah, I'd like some of those, please. 

And just as a sidebar, I've got my early root on for Mr Taurus-esque, Azmarie 

Doin' it! 

Who Do You Want to Win Top Model All Stars?

After that last post, I felt I could use some lightness.

So let's ask a pivotal question: who's gonna win Top Model All Stars?

(Mr J: Sorry B, you're already out the runnin')

With Laura given the old heave ho this week, we're down to the final three


1. Lisa

I mean this B has been killin' it. Challenge after challenge. She can rap, she can write, she can jump. She's got energy for weeks. She's like Orpheus on an ambrosia bender (or whatever their cocaine was. Something tells me the Ancient Greeks had some powerful ish). Would nail the guest correspondent on one of those Entertainment Tonite clones prize. Although has a tendency to interrupt and talk over the subject. But would teens and girls on they lunch break from Bath and Body Works shopping at EXPRESS really relate to her?





2. Allison

(God I really loved Allison's blood orange homage this week)

The total opposite. Quiet as a blacked out roommate and just as "how'd I get here?" However, B can take some pics. Probably the best and most consistent of the group. The judges give her a hard time about not looking directly into the sun but I'm pretty sure my momma taught me that's a no-no. The best fit for VOGUE Italia. Would bomb terribly at the Access Hollywood hosting prize.






3. Angelea

My bet for the win. Why would they have pulled her up out the bottom two so often? She's got the best sob story and she's firmly taken on the "Thanks for making me: a fighter!" stance. I can just see the Regis and Kelly (oh wait, who be the new Regis???) interview about how she overcame obstacles and such. To be fair, I like her. She has spunk. But she's also all over the place and break easily under pressure. I think the EXPRESS ad is her strength. I mean c'mon? That's her to a ruched v-neck stretch hot pink tee. And she'd probably be ok on TV with a teleprompter. But she's not very VOGUE Italia even if Franca Sozzani pretended like she writes deep moving prose this past episode.




So there you go. Who's it gonna be? My prediction: Angelea for the win, Allison will take the runner up and Lisa the bronze. Luckily she's quite the fan of that over-tanned look.

Thoughts? Wagers? Knock knock jokes? I'm open to it all.

This Week's Top Model Moment

Damn, Angelea, you've got some cat-like collection of lives up your gossamer gown's sleeve or something!

(Angelea doin' the shut put... or put shot...)

Cuz you've been in the bottom two more than the emergency pair of holey snowflake print slipper socks in the back of the drawer (figuratively speaking, of course...)

This Week's Top Model Moment: Did You Forget to Shake Ya Body?

Cuz Tyra musta forgot her ill-fated stab at a music career and its Top Model tie-in music video


                              


Cuz you know she would have trotted that out from the vault as a review plug for herself after they attempts at singles/music videos.


Now shake ya body-body, move ya body-body!

This Week's Top Model Moment

Bianca got the ax. True she was kinda a mega-bitch but man could she quip!

This week she refused to splash about in a tub like an idot at a party promoting signature fragrances that will never see the light of day. Her refusal was all too obvious: "Tyra would never do this!" 

(Actually, honey, there isn't much Tyra wouldn't do for a check)

Of course, Tyra reminded little Miss Big Britches that she's in her hut now and do what the queen says or off with your weave! 

In her mandatory moment of reflection upon oust, Bianca chimed "If I had to do it again, I wouldn't change anything but my shoes" 

Now sashay away. 

This Week's Top Model Moment

(All dressed up and ready to go... back to the house, pack their bags and go... home)

Ms Coco Rocha, all bones and heavy makeup, brought the All Star to the title indeed, screaming, play fighting, making that face dance and speaking in clipped tones

But I sure as heck did not like that they eliminated my girl, Bre for this shot

Yeah don't love this pic, but what exactly is happening on the right with the blow up doll Coco's dragging to the dumpster the morning after a bachelor party? 

Tyra spewed some nonsense to Alexandria and Bre (both in the bottom two) about being fan faves. Bre obviously is, hence the shock elimination, but am I the only one who remembers Alexandria earning the sole boos and heckling during the debut ep

                                              

(I'm sure it's said with love)

I know this sounds naive but man as all the memorable talent gets chucked every week I'm starting to think this game be rigged for Bianca or another B!

But it won't be this B, unfortch    

This Week's Top Model Moment

Bianca: And then Lisa opens her big mouth thinking she be sheriff of Top Model-town

 (Stick 'em up!)

Ooh I must have missed that job opening post on Craigslist!

And HERMES!

Fatima definitely has the most covetable post ANTM modeling career with shoots in Marie Claire and other high-profile magazines and now walking the runways of Paris for Dries Van Noten and Hermes.

Who needs Covergirl, honey!

Is This How It's Gonna Go, Tyra?

(May the stilt challenges please stop? Stilts do not instantly make something interesting!)

Cut all the likables up front? All the role model beautiful girls that shine from the inside out? Boo!

Although Isis, you bitch, you know how to make an exit in that tutu/ yarmulke look. And right in time for Rosh Hashanah! Shalom!  

So now I gotta adjust my thoughts on the winner for this All Stars season. There's definitely a sense that they're building momentum for Bianca, Alexandria and Lisa. But now my hopes are on Bre, Allison or... well....

Who's That Girl?

Fatima!

Walking the runway of Dries Van Noten's Spring 2012 show today in Paris. Why no wonder she was too busy for the "All Stars"!

Seriously a big coup for someone who wasn't the "Top" pick. Brava, darling.

That's A.L.T. She Wrote?

I have two beautiful judges before me but only one picture...

       

         VS.   (?)  

Is Andre Leon Talley being cut next cycle as a "Top Model" judge with "Kell on Earth" madame of mean, Kelly Cutrone as replacement? The Post is buzzing with the rumor. 

To be continued!

Oh No, Sheena!

ELIMINATED!

I had high hopes for you and I thought you could go far (I wasn't alone). Bummer, girl. But then what were you to do with some inane "think of your branding word" hot dog challenge anyway? 

Top Bet: Premiere Edition

Tonite’s the premiere of the eagerly (ok I’m excited) awaited Top Model All Stars and here with no math on my side is my pics for top three and going home this episode

Top two:

Yes there can only be one winner, but let’s take a stab of who I think is gonna be in that top tier heading towards a runway show and that dreaded Cover Girl commercial

Isis: C’mon Tyra’s not gonna bring her back to crush her dreams twice, right? I mean Tyra paid for her gender reassignment surgery and with Lea T.’s success, a transgender Top Model would be très hip! 

Bre: Bre’s the girl to beat on the runway and she’s still hot with her greased up mahogany skin and fro. I mean she making this Forever 21 ish look good in the promo pic. 

Bottom Two:
I have two lovely girls, but only one pic. Who’s it gonna be?

Shannon: She’s one of the oldest of the bunch and that’s a giant strike against her. Sorry gran. Add in her snooze factor (double if she goes all Jesus again) and she's a goner!

Lisa: She's got a Debbie from True Blood ugly twin vibe going on, doesn't she? And we all know what happened to Debbie. Bye bye ugly.

Cuckoo for Coco

There's a reason why Coco Rocha is a supermodel, honey.Yes she's stunning, but having been on far too many shoots where the model is in a zombie like state of strained and stunted micro-movements to see this behind the scenes video of Coco moving around, laughing and making the set light and fun is a dream



(Video courtesy of Coco Rocha's delightful blog "Oh So Coco")



Somewhere in here is some Tyra Banks wisdom about getting booked for jobs based on personality (perhaps why Coco is a guest judge this season?), but I'll leave it at this: I'd book this b!

Ooh, Top Model All Stars, I Cannot Wait!

Thanks for the Ad: Drew Barrymore for Neiman Marcus

In every department store across this great land of ours all signs point to Fall (even some boutiques have made the switch). On Neiman Marcus website they went the extra step to differentiate themselves and step up their Fall game. 

A list star shot by a world renown photog in a full on Fall fashion editorial? This is more like your favorite magazine's September issue

And that, of course, is the point. Pull in the customer, give them something to connect with and take away so they remember N.M. when its time to spend those Fall clothing dollars

Neiman's did a pretty great job here. Some of the clothes I'm not sure about on Drew bu the above pic with her tousling her hair is my favorite: dramatic yet relatable and somehow still about the clothes (that's some Neiman's exclusive Chanel there, darlin'!)

And ending this series is the editorially essential "bring out the fan" shot. Cuz my chiffon billows like that wherever I go. Doesn't yours? 

Jokes aside, this is a great way to pull in established customers as well as newer and younger. drew has a keen way of maturing while holding on to that youthful demographic (hence her omnipresent Cover Girl ads during Top Model). Kudos to you, Neiman's. I think you've definitely got a leg up on your other e-commerce competitors. Now bring on the chill in the air! 

Time to Pick Your Top Model All Star!

They still wanna be on top

(The cast of Top Model All Stars Revealed)

And who can blame them? Fame like this is addictive. And while you're busy dating Jim Carrey or documenting your real modelling career in Asia, these ladies are back for another round of masochism with Tyra.



Let's do a rundown of the hopefuls getting their second chance at that coveted contract with Cover Girl

Cycle 1: Shannon

Otherwise known as the pretty religious one. Runner up to Adrianne Curry.

Chances: She better start praying.

Cycle 2: Camille

Delusional Camille thought herself a somebody, baby and told Tyra her walk would make her famous. Tyra told her to walk.

Chances: Post Top Model she hired a full time bodyguard for "protection". Maybe he can rough up the other girls?

Cycle 4: Brittany


Blow up doll look-a-like and Janice Dickinson look-a-like (same thing?) Brittany made up for her porn star looks with a great sense of humor. Like Jenny McCarthy, minus the career longevity.


Chances: She's not Singled Out for the win.

Cycle 5: Bre

Remember "Granola Bar-Gate"? Well don't let that silly drama eclipse the fact that this B can walk and they've brought her back to teach the girls. Will her strut be enough?


Chances: She's already "in" with Tyra (even working on the Tyra Show). Now she has to remain in the house. And, girl, leave the Red Bulls alone.

Cycle 5: Lisa

Umm... didn't she wear a diaper and false teeth and talk to plants? And then go to Celebrity Rehab with Dr Drew?


Chances: Purely on the show for drama.

Cycle 9: Bianca

Anger management girl. Every show needs one (sadly, usually tied in with token angry black girl).  Since leaving Top Model has had public brawls with other d-listers. Sad, cuz she ok pretty. 

Chances: She has a fighting chance if she can hold her temper.   

Cycle 10: Dominique

Drag-a-licious I believe is what the judges said when she got the cut the first time. 

Chances: Never count out a man in a dress, honey!

Cycle 11: Isis

Isis never lived up to her potential in her season and let her nerves get the best of her. Has she become the goddess she's meant to be since her first go at Top Model? 

Chances: If you're so "fierce" that Tyra pulls you from the background of one season's photo shoot, you've got the Charisma, Uniqueness and Talent. Now bring the Nerve!

Cycle 11: Sheena




The funny thing about the dud of a season that was Cycle 11 is how my two faves on this list come from it. Sheena is a punk rocker indeed cuz she didn't give an F and just wanted to laugh and wear silly clothes ("It's Moschino"). Love her!




Chances: Sheena take, Sheena take a bow. Cuz everybody's rootin' for you, girl!

Cycle 12: Allison




My friend, Mr Dressy Jeans, loves her. I'm a fan of that big doe eyed doll look, but hopefully she's gotten a little more pep since we last saw her.




Chances: If she can deliver some more personality, then the eyes have it.

Cycle 13: Laura




From the Shortie season, Laura was the country hick with Big City ambitions. She came in second, but is she gunnin' for the gold this go?


Chances: I think baby girl's gonna come up short. Again.

Cycle 14: Angelea




This girl was craze. And I liked it. Although that bit where she recreated her entrance into da' club is still painful to watch during Oxygen Top Model marathons. Will she embarrass herself again?






Chances: Yes. She will. 

Cycle 15: Kayla




I had to look her up. No idea who she was. But this season was also one of the worst ever, Vogue Italia or not. 




Chances: If you're not memorable....

Cycle 16: Alexandria

Didn't we just get rid of this B? She's all weird mouth, oddly shaped skull. And Jade-like self-denial and cockiness. And if you're gonna do Jade-like, why not bring back the REAL thing?!


Chances: Jade! Jade! Jade!



So there you have it. I'm team Isis, Sheena and Bre. Who are you bettin on?