Just When I Was Ready to Write this Season of Top Model Off

Tyra ropes me back in with this preview of next week's episode


               


That girl went mad! And she were real not feeling Kelly Cutrone. Jeepers!

Top Model Lips: Most Ridic Ever?

Get this girl some Smith's Rosebud Salve, STAT! 

Let us conference: over the far too many years I've been a Top Model addict, catching each season live and then ad nasueum in life suck after life suck marathons, I've witnessed a lot of crazy ish. Tyra has tortured her "hopefuls" with carrying live roaches and fire, head shaves and walking on water (Tyra is the Jesus of the CW set!) but with all this expertise under my belt these country of origin temporary lip tattoos that closed out the British vs Americans season premiere this week still had me reaching for the "huh?"

Violent lips? Yeah, I'd like some of those, please. 

And just as a sidebar, I've got my early root on for Mr Taurus-esque, Azmarie 

Doin' it! 

It Can't All Be Dior's Birthday Present #5

This retarded t-shirt from House of Holland available at Beacon's Closet right now

Oh, Tyra, girl, you need to live!

(House of Holland blue cotton 'Tyra' t-shirt, $12.95 at Beacon's Closet, http://www.beaconscloset.com/collections/new-arrivals/products/oh-tyra)

This Week's Top Model Moment: Did You Forget to Shake Ya Body?

Cuz Tyra musta forgot her ill-fated stab at a music career and its Top Model tie-in music video


                              


Cuz you know she would have trotted that out from the vault as a review plug for herself after they attempts at singles/music videos.


Now shake ya body-body, move ya body-body!

This Week's Top Model Moment

Bianca got the ax. True she was kinda a mega-bitch but man could she quip!

This week she refused to splash about in a tub like an idot at a party promoting signature fragrances that will never see the light of day. Her refusal was all too obvious: "Tyra would never do this!" 

(Actually, honey, there isn't much Tyra wouldn't do for a check)

Of course, Tyra reminded little Miss Big Britches that she's in her hut now and do what the queen says or off with your weave! 

In her mandatory moment of reflection upon oust, Bianca chimed "If I had to do it again, I wouldn't change anything but my shoes" 

Now sashay away. 

This Week's Top Model Moment

(All dressed up and ready to go... back to the house, pack their bags and go... home)

Ms Coco Rocha, all bones and heavy makeup, brought the All Star to the title indeed, screaming, play fighting, making that face dance and speaking in clipped tones

But I sure as heck did not like that they eliminated my girl, Bre for this shot

Yeah don't love this pic, but what exactly is happening on the right with the blow up doll Coco's dragging to the dumpster the morning after a bachelor party? 

Tyra spewed some nonsense to Alexandria and Bre (both in the bottom two) about being fan faves. Bre obviously is, hence the shock elimination, but am I the only one who remembers Alexandria earning the sole boos and heckling during the debut ep

                                              

(I'm sure it's said with love)

I know this sounds naive but man as all the memorable talent gets chucked every week I'm starting to think this game be rigged for Bianca or another B!

But it won't be this B, unfortch    

Is This How It's Gonna Go, Tyra?

(May the stilt challenges please stop? Stilts do not instantly make something interesting!)

Cut all the likables up front? All the role model beautiful girls that shine from the inside out? Boo!

Although Isis, you bitch, you know how to make an exit in that tutu/ yarmulke look. And right in time for Rosh Hashanah! Shalom!  

So now I gotta adjust my thoughts on the winner for this All Stars season. There's definitely a sense that they're building momentum for Bianca, Alexandria and Lisa. But now my hopes are on Bre, Allison or... well....

Top Bet: Premiere Edition

Tonite’s the premiere of the eagerly (ok I’m excited) awaited Top Model All Stars and here with no math on my side is my pics for top three and going home this episode

Top two:

Yes there can only be one winner, but let’s take a stab of who I think is gonna be in that top tier heading towards a runway show and that dreaded Cover Girl commercial

Isis: C’mon Tyra’s not gonna bring her back to crush her dreams twice, right? I mean Tyra paid for her gender reassignment surgery and with Lea T.’s success, a transgender Top Model would be très hip! 

Bre: Bre’s the girl to beat on the runway and she’s still hot with her greased up mahogany skin and fro. I mean she making this Forever 21 ish look good in the promo pic. 

Bottom Two:
I have two lovely girls, but only one pic. Who’s it gonna be?

Shannon: She’s one of the oldest of the bunch and that’s a giant strike against her. Sorry gran. Add in her snooze factor (double if she goes all Jesus again) and she's a goner!

Lisa: She's got a Debbie from True Blood ugly twin vibe going on, doesn't she? And we all know what happened to Debbie. Bye bye ugly.

Cuckoo for Coco

There's a reason why Coco Rocha is a supermodel, honey.Yes she's stunning, but having been on far too many shoots where the model is in a zombie like state of strained and stunted micro-movements to see this behind the scenes video of Coco moving around, laughing and making the set light and fun is a dream



(Video courtesy of Coco Rocha's delightful blog "Oh So Coco")



Somewhere in here is some Tyra Banks wisdom about getting booked for jobs based on personality (perhaps why Coco is a guest judge this season?), but I'll leave it at this: I'd book this b!

Time to Pick Your Top Model All Star!

They still wanna be on top

(The cast of Top Model All Stars Revealed)

And who can blame them? Fame like this is addictive. And while you're busy dating Jim Carrey or documenting your real modelling career in Asia, these ladies are back for another round of masochism with Tyra.



Let's do a rundown of the hopefuls getting their second chance at that coveted contract with Cover Girl

Cycle 1: Shannon

Otherwise known as the pretty religious one. Runner up to Adrianne Curry.

Chances: She better start praying.

Cycle 2: Camille

Delusional Camille thought herself a somebody, baby and told Tyra her walk would make her famous. Tyra told her to walk.

Chances: Post Top Model she hired a full time bodyguard for "protection". Maybe he can rough up the other girls?

Cycle 4: Brittany


Blow up doll look-a-like and Janice Dickinson look-a-like (same thing?) Brittany made up for her porn star looks with a great sense of humor. Like Jenny McCarthy, minus the career longevity.


Chances: She's not Singled Out for the win.

Cycle 5: Bre

Remember "Granola Bar-Gate"? Well don't let that silly drama eclipse the fact that this B can walk and they've brought her back to teach the girls. Will her strut be enough?


Chances: She's already "in" with Tyra (even working on the Tyra Show). Now she has to remain in the house. And, girl, leave the Red Bulls alone.

Cycle 5: Lisa

Umm... didn't she wear a diaper and false teeth and talk to plants? And then go to Celebrity Rehab with Dr Drew?


Chances: Purely on the show for drama.

Cycle 9: Bianca

Anger management girl. Every show needs one (sadly, usually tied in with token angry black girl).  Since leaving Top Model has had public brawls with other d-listers. Sad, cuz she ok pretty. 

Chances: She has a fighting chance if she can hold her temper.   

Cycle 10: Dominique

Drag-a-licious I believe is what the judges said when she got the cut the first time. 

Chances: Never count out a man in a dress, honey!

Cycle 11: Isis

Isis never lived up to her potential in her season and let her nerves get the best of her. Has she become the goddess she's meant to be since her first go at Top Model? 

Chances: If you're so "fierce" that Tyra pulls you from the background of one season's photo shoot, you've got the Charisma, Uniqueness and Talent. Now bring the Nerve!

Cycle 11: Sheena




The funny thing about the dud of a season that was Cycle 11 is how my two faves on this list come from it. Sheena is a punk rocker indeed cuz she didn't give an F and just wanted to laugh and wear silly clothes ("It's Moschino"). Love her!




Chances: Sheena take, Sheena take a bow. Cuz everybody's rootin' for you, girl!

Cycle 12: Allison




My friend, Mr Dressy Jeans, loves her. I'm a fan of that big doe eyed doll look, but hopefully she's gotten a little more pep since we last saw her.




Chances: If she can deliver some more personality, then the eyes have it.

Cycle 13: Laura




From the Shortie season, Laura was the country hick with Big City ambitions. She came in second, but is she gunnin' for the gold this go?


Chances: I think baby girl's gonna come up short. Again.

Cycle 14: Angelea




This girl was craze. And I liked it. Although that bit where she recreated her entrance into da' club is still painful to watch during Oxygen Top Model marathons. Will she embarrass herself again?






Chances: Yes. She will. 

Cycle 15: Kayla




I had to look her up. No idea who she was. But this season was also one of the worst ever, Vogue Italia or not. 




Chances: If you're not memorable....

Cycle 16: Alexandria

Didn't we just get rid of this B? She's all weird mouth, oddly shaped skull. And Jade-like self-denial and cockiness. And if you're gonna do Jade-like, why not bring back the REAL thing?!


Chances: Jade! Jade! Jade!



So there you have it. I'm team Isis, Sheena and Bre. Who are you bettin on?

What did Molly (or Diana Ross) Ever do to Tyra?

Because they've got to have beef for her to saddle Molly with such an unflattering weave and then dare blaspheme Miss Ross as the inspiration

(Well even she'd better match up her natural hair color to the weave for one thing!)

Now I give props to Tyra for abstaining in Cycle 16 from her usual fave Snow Miser hair and eyebrows this season, but she must be taking some Mean Girls type pleasure in fudging with Molly like this

(Why so blue, sugarplum?)

(oh... right...)

Shame! 

Now Tyra, my little amateur sadist, sashay away

This Week's Top Model Moment

Temptation calls

Liz won this week's challenge and the prize? High tea with Tyra

Miss Banks had a hankerin' for a certain baked good

Liz, Chris and Kayla were not having it: "Tyra, you ate all the carrot raisin muffins!"

"Ooh, girl, I sho' 'nuff did!"

This Week's Top Model Moment

MAKEOVERS!

And while Tyra got her hair DID

They threw us a curve ball by eliminating a complainy B right after makeovers. Seasons and seasons of ungrateful girls crying over haircuts and NOW they decide to cut this week's whiniest? 

Especially poopy since she was an early fave of mine, Miss Terra

AKA Monica's twin

And I LOVE me some Monica!

If You're a Tall, Dark and Handsome Guy, DON'T Reach for the Bleach

"BlackBook" Magazine somehow convinced cutie pie Mark Ronson to bleach his sleek black locks. This is beyond a stupid decision.

Dark haired, Mark is slick and handsome like his image and sound. Ice blonde,  he looks like one of those poor girls Tyra always makes over into elves on "Top Model".