Crimes of Photoshop: 'Cover' Blown

This here Cover Girl ad featuring Taylor Swift has been banned by the US's National Advertising Division of the Council of Better Business Bureaus Claims (this big old gasbag of a title has been condensed to the unfortunate acronym, NAD) for making erroneous

' "superior performance claims" such as "2X more volume" and "20 percent lighter" that simply couldn't be substantiated '

What?! An ad lied to me? NO!I fully believe that skinny mid-western white girl got her drag queen lashes from a tube of magic elixir. Next you're gonna tell me her hair isn't that windswept at all times! 

Folks, news alert: the fashion and beauty industry is selling you Photoshop, not wrinkle cream and trouser suits. 

Major kudos to the Gov't for taking to task bold faced liars about the power of dime store mascara, but I hope this doesn't spiral into warnings against Miu Miu ads featuring train tracks. Cuz you don't want these NAD's all up in your face. 

Krikey! Is the Kardashion Kollection Kidding with These Krazy Prices?

(When did Jenny McCarthey's fat brunette sister join the fold?)

If these are the Horsemen, do we have to term it the "ApoKalypse"? 

Seriously, I'm not sure how these broads got a collection at Sears, but it definitely doesn't represent the "softer side" that's for sure. And thanks to my sister for the tip-off that it also ain't so cheap (in price that is).

Let's take a look at some of the offerings from the line, shall we?  I got a feeling we're about to encounter a bunch of questionable materials and leopard print. 

1. "Silky" Jersey Wrap Top Jumper $99

Hothca! Right out the gate! Honestly, there's so many things wrong with this, I can't figure out where to begin. First off, unless I'm really missing something I think you meant Jumpsuit. Second "silky" ain't the same as "silk", darlins. Don't you forget it!

2. Striped One Shoulder Knit Dress, $99 

Who styled this photoshoot? Peter Pan's slutty sister? Or Wendy? I never did trust a girl flyin' around in public in a nightie. But if that's your kinda thing, this $100 exit ramp as a dress will fit right into your wardrobe.

3.The "Washington DC" Shoe in black

Jesus, Mary and Joseph, why in Hell is this named after D.C.? In what alternative universe is this a conservative senator's wife style shoe? Leave our nation's capital alone. they've got enough problems right now!

4. Floral Mesh Corset, $55 and Floral Mesh Brief, $25

For when you and your teenage daughter want to re-enact your youth of pretending to be Tawny Kitaen in a Whitesnake video. I don't wanna even ask why there is an "intimates" section. Ick. 

5. Chain Necklace w/Stone Pendant and Chain Tassel, $24

And now we enter the "just plain dull" phase of operations. 

That's just a smattering from the full line which includes sunglasses, belts, bags and more, but it doesn't get any better.

Yet, I can put aside the snark for a second (I swear it's been known to happen!) and just make this assessment: these prices are a bit high for Sears and the target audience of 14 year girls with a sex tape (ok, maybe I can't...) and moms you BEST NOT PASS THE $$$ OVER TO THEM to buy this crud.

If you Klick this link, you don't like Khildren or Kittens: http://www.sears.com/shc/s/dap_10153_12605_DAP_kardashiankollection

DON'T: Computer Animated Beloved Cartoons are not Models (or Street Walkers)

Maybe I'm a bitter old man crushed to see a cartoon of my youth soiled by CGI or a once golden fashion magazine resort to stunt casting but this leaked image of Smurfette in Lanvin, Marc Jacobs and other Fall 2011 accessories makes me sad

It looks about as real, I guess, as any other fashion magazine model post-Photoshop, but, as Michael Kors would say, I question the taste level. These looks are more Julia Roberts' outfits before Richard Gere takes her off the streets and I'm sorry Smurfette was not three apples tall for any blowjob advantage!

Another step into the unemployment line, Glenda (although I enjoy the subtle wink to your Hogatha nickname)

InStyle Stinks

For this post's sake we're gonna ignore the mixture of strange angle, splotchy makeup and Photoshopped waist that makes up the Eva Longoria July 2011 InStyle cover and take a look inside

Or rather, a smell. Yes, the one magazine not needing a gimmick to sell right now, is throwing us a gimmick: scratch n' sniff

With five spots inside the issue smelling of Summer scents popcorn, watermelon, grass, suntan lotion and iced coffee (How did Summer signifier and easy to duplicate lemonade not make the cut?) InStyle will be filling the doctor's offices and laundromats up with even more heavily perfumed pages

(Thank goodness inappropriate for the beach turtleneck sweater didn't make the scent list)

Funny thing is this gimmick is actually kinda smart. InStyle is generating feel good, Summery media buzz (this would not work in the capital F Fashion months of Fall) and creating an interactive magazine experience for its readers. And God knows scratch n' sniff has been a cheap and effective marketing tool for everyone from your childhood dentist to John Waters. Nice move, Time Inc.

DON'T: Reading Gwen Stefani on British ELLE

While the online is abuzz about Gwen Stefani's quotes about the genius of her wedding dress and its maker, John Galliano, inside this British ELLE, I couldn't help but have an "Oh No" moment with all those ill placed headlines.

Two big don'ts: "Botox" slapped in bold letters right at her Photoshopped visage and "Why men cheat" placed anywhere near her because Mister Stefani isn't exactly known for his fidelity. Poor thing.

Isaac. Iman. Intense. Imitation.

Careful, Iman, you've been Photoshopped within an inch of your life!